It was the first day of working. I've just arrived from there. And if you ask me what it was like on earth, I would say that it was weird! Weirder than weird! More than anything else, I felt being useless, the word not said by me, but seen by me in one of the posts I've recently read about the kind of feelings you might have in the first time of being an intern as a software engineer, on my way back home. Despite feeling useless -and stronger than that- I felt monotony. I felt I was bored. There were a lot of things which I weren't aware of and I just didn't know where to start from for learning them! I-didn't-even-know-where- to start learning them! I liked some of the guys I saw there and I didn't feel something special about some others. There were some one that showed me interest and kindness and someone else who weren't least interested to know me or even say "hello" to me! But that's just how the life works it works! Nothing is even! Everything is a mixture! The good and the bad, the happiness and the sadness, the friends and the enemies! It's all right and OK to be that way. It's all beautiful to be that way.
Today I felt a little anxious, a little useless, maybe a little alone and weird, too!
But I hope it'll all be passed and resolved two or three months later. I hope my anxiety will be reduced by beginning the collage and meeting a lot of new people there. I hope my extreme lack of knowledge will be eliminated by the pass of time and studying a whole new era of things in college. I hope my coldness and my state of feeling "strange" will be melted through the pass of the time there. I will make friends with some of my coworkers and will learn a "lot" of things from just each individual there. I hope the experience of working there would bring a new "me" to me! A new person, new personality and new strengths.
Although it was all weird and strange to me, I can't say that I didn't like it. After all it was my first experience of being a free adult in a free place, where absolutely nothing more is expected from me than only focusing and doing what I do love most in this whole world. The computers. After all, I've finally reached a place where the one and only one responsibility expected from me to meet, is being concerned about computers and to make the work they do as great as possible. What the damn would a geek like me want more than this in her life?... :)
In my opinion, there are two types of falling in love for human beings, Natural-love and Artificial-Love...
...Hearts can't be matched easily. They're not as flexible as brains. Brains get convinced with logical statements, they are fine for daily decision-makings, but when it comes to more complex issues like Love, a sharper assistant is required. You can't make a fool out of your heart just like you do to your brain, not for a long time. Hearts ONLY get happy with Natural-Love...
It's raining out there. The weather is great. It is cold, but not cold enough to bother you. It is wet and it smells like the "rain", you know. There's something about nature that really attracts me occasionally, the night, the stars, the rain, the sea. The whole thing. They all have something in them reminding me to kinda settle down, even just for a second. Their silence. Their extreme peace. It grabs me and then never let me go. It tell me something about myself, who am I? What I want?
Wait. Maybe they've become a part of clichéd questions, frequently asked and even more than that heard. But their true meaning and purpose I think, is just buried under their prevalence. The answer they target never gets old. The need for that answer, also, never gets resolved for us as human beings.
All of us, with absolutely no exception at all, need to have a clear definition of ourselves. It might change. It will definitely change. That's very common and natural. The current perception you have about yourself, it might be different of what you were or thought you were last year or last month or even last day. But one thing is obvious, you CAN'T live without a perception. A CLEAR perception.
But the very thing that can be even more important, is that the way you are outside of yourself, it must be the same you think you are inside. Try to keep them the same, do that. Or you'll always feel something really heavy on your chest, making your breath harder and harder.
You know, during the last two or three years, I've been struggling with one question: What is the meaning of life?
It took me a long time to finally understand that that approach was a ridiculous one, because the question I was asking from myself or literally the whole world, was just wrong at the first place! The meaning of the life is nonsense, instead, try to ask the meaning of yourself. Then the life will shape itself upon the way you make sense to the world around you.
Maybe that's exactly why living with a self that doesn't match your REAL self, is painful. Because by doing that, you're risking your real self to be hidden. Whatever it is, bad or even awful in your belief, you're telling a lie about it, not only to yourself, but to the whole world around you.
A lie that will be believed soon or late by everything around you, everything but yourself. That's what hurts most.